365 days of reflections on life after cancer, by shay.
It takes everything I have to rise above the reality that life after cancer never truly ends. Surviving the diagnosis, enduring the treatments, and living with long-term side effects is a journey filled with moments that are both rewarding and heartbreaking. Today is one of those heartbreaking days—it stings in a way that is hard to describe. Life isn’t always fair, and no one ever promised it would be.
Today marks exactly 365 days since you’ve been gone. The void you left in my heart and soul that is impossible to fill. I feel lost without you, because you understood me before I could even express myself. Our friendship was unique, something few would truly comprehend. We shared secrets about this difficult cancer journey, finding a common bond that led to an unbreakable friendship—except in death.
I don’t think I have fully accepted that you are gone. The days leading up to last year and then the hours leading up to the call I got. I knew. You knew it was inevitable. We all prayed for a miracle. Each morning, I still look up to the skies, searching for you among the stars, and at night, I hope to find you in the heavens, while sharing my deepest fears and happiest moments with you, even though you are no longer here. This is a lonely space today. Not all days, but today my heart is extra heavy for all those that love you.
As much as I want to leave the cancer journey behind, every morning when I look in the mirror, I am reminded that cancer is ugly. It steals time, life, and the people we love and cherish most. But cancer has brought me some of the most amazing friendships and gifts to my life. I am forever grateful this journey brought us together as warrior sisters. We created something from our hearts that we knew others needed on this journey even when they told us we couldn’t do it. A safe space and a place to continue to heal when others forget. You would be so proud of all that has happened in a year!
It feels like just yesterday we were laughing together on your couch, talking about our daughters, yours heading off to college, starting high school, and my own moving to New York after her graduation. We cried, we laughed and even napped together that last day. I am so happy we took some last silly selfies, ones that I will cherish forever and a day.
The grief and anxiety I’m experiencing now can’t compare to what your family feels or what you were feeling that day when we both knew our time was running short. We never lost faith and never lost hope for a miracle—God’s miracle. He just had other plans than what we did and as selfish as it seems, my heart is relieved that you are finally free of this beast.
I hold onto the hope that in heaven, we’ll have another chance to share big belly laughs, drink delicious bubbly, and overlook skies filled with vibrant hopeful colors. This vision brings joy to my heart and comfort to my soul, knowing that you are free and completely healed.
They say there is no time in heaven, so I guess I will see you soon. Until then we got you here on earth. Keeping your memory alive, your family looked upon and your beautiful light shining bright in everything we do.
Rest easy, my sweet friend.
Xo
Shay